Less Sugar, More Spice

Less sugar, more spice...a fitting title for this particular post for more than one reason:

The point of this blog, (if it isn't obvious) is to keep those distant family and friends feeling connected and up to date in my children's lives. And as a bonus, not only is it a nice outlet for me to vent some of my "creative" steam and do some self therapy by sharing my thoughts, it's a written chronicle of their childhoods for me, much more detail than would go in a baby book. I can look back on little stories that, had I not taken the time to type out, might get misty in memory down the road. And for the most part, I try to keep it pretty lighthearted and fun. For one thing, I figure no one really wants to read me whining and being negative and secondly, though the job can be a frustrating and hard one I can usually manage to find the humor in most parenting situations, if not in the moment itself then usually in retrospect. Kids are pretty funny, they do odd unexpected things and it's always interesting to see what's going on in their heads.

On the other hand I do try to keep a good dose of reality on here as well. I don't want this to be a place where I delude myself and you, only tell the cutesie stories and pretend that every moment around here is one where the kids and I are in a field of daisies, rolling around with a pile of soft puppies, laughing and gazing into each others' eyes. Because that would be fake and also very annoying. (I don't know about you but things that are overly saccharin make me gag!) And the truth is, while some won't admit it, everyone can relate to the stories about the things that aren't perfect about kids and their parents. Which is why, alongside the cutesie and fun stories I also let you see the less charming, the annoying or worrisome aspects of things. Like this next little entry...

Apparently, there are a lot of TV show writers out there who need some help thinking of intelligent ways to wrap up the end of a show. Yep, think about it, how many cartoons or sitcoms can you think of where, at the very end, all the characters gather in a crowd and start laughing their fool heads off at...nothing in particular. Just ridiculously empty, stupid laughter.

So what? You may ask, what's the big deal? Well, I'll tell you! My little daughter, who's very observant, has picked up on this fact and now seems to have the fun little habit of randomly bursting into fake, vacuous laughter for no apparent reason. Now, I thoroughly believe in having a good laugh, laughter is a very important part of life and that whenever we can, if possible, we should choose to laugh rather than cry. But, at the risk of sounding like a grumpy mommy, (something I really try not to be), I have to say that I find this little habit pretty aggravating.

I have been given the very good advice that this is one of those situations that I should ignore if I want the behavior to go away. And honestly I try, I really do. But it's really hard to ignore fully 20 minutes of fake, drawn out, at the top of your voice "laughter. " If she were genuinely laughing, well that would be different. But not this laughing like a hyena on speed thing. It's impossible to hear yourself think let alone manage a conversation with anyone else in the room. And this "laughing" session usually happens towards the end of the day, when she's tired, and so is everyone else, so we're less able to shrug it off.

So there's that. But also I think I object to it on a deeper level as well because in a way, empty laughter just stands for so many things I don't want for my daughter. (Watch out, you're about to get a dose of feminism here. Yes, it is possible for a full time stay at home mom and housewife to also hold some feminist views, although a "true feminist" would argue that.) Because, the old female stereotypes are still out there, the ones where the girls are just eye candy, always have long polished nails and perfect hair, think they need to act stupid and hide their smarts to catch a guy and are inevitably... laughing vacantly at nothing. (Ever hear the song Stupid Girls by Pink??) A fake, empty, Stupid Girl is just the type of female I DON'T want my little girl to be. And so while there have been plenty of occasions where her self assurance, tendency to know what she wants and be opinionated, quickness and independence have caused some clashing with the fact that she needs to obey her parents, for the most part I relish her spunkiness and her unashamed being of herself and I try to be careful not to squash that in her.

All right, I know what some of you may be thinking: that just because I'm not a really girly girl I expect my daughter not to be one either. And I admit that I played powder puff football in high school, like to go fishing (even string up my own worm), can't be bothered to paint my nails, and have been known to change my own flat tire if need be rather than stand helpless by the side of the road and wait for someone to "rescue" me. So if Bree turns out to be more girly than I am, sure I may have a little trouble relating to her sometimes, but I do truly want her to be who she is, no matter who that may end up being. She can be "girly" and play princess all she wants, I'm cool with that, just not to the point that she doesn't dig in and experience life in case it might mess up her hair and not to the point where her next manicure is the deepest thought in her head.

Okay, so I know that just because my 3 year old has a rather harmless, and passing habit of fake laughter right now, that doesn't mean she's on the path to becoming that iconic, silly, and transparent fake girl, it does kind of strike a chord with me about what I want to teach her as she gets older. It's a tough balance to teach, to be both kind, considerate, compassionate, polite, well mannered and yet confident, educated, and outspoken. To be nice but not to the point that you get walked over, to be classy instead of ladylike. That's right, I said NOT ladylike, which let me just point out is defined as being "delicate, refined and unused to hardship, being overly concerned with propriety." So, as I said, polite and classy, not so much "delicate" or "unused to hardship" or so concerned about "propriety" that you don't speak out when you should. Because women are people, not china dolls, not just to be looked at and admired and sat on a shelf but just as capable and deserving to experience as much of the richness of life as they want. (And yes, I also think that boys and men face unfair stereotypes about their gender as well, which I'm sure you'll hear about as Noah gets older.)

I came across this poem recently, that I think expresses fairly well what I want for my daughter:

UPPITY GIRLS
A Message

I hope you will be less sugar and more spice,
And only a little bit nice.
Embrace your crunchiness girls,
Your crustiness, your passions, your selves.
Retain your sparkle, your individuality, your eccentricities...

You needn't be "ladylike" to be a woman,
For being female is complex,
An essence encompassing all that is you....
Kind, thoughtful and generous of heart
But honest and fierce and resolute.

-Bobbi Linkletter

So I say, stay crunchy girls, go ahead and be spicy!