If you read my original Birthday Thoughts post, you know I started this year in a pretty introspective, searching, and yes, melancholy mood. Which, kind of took me by surprise because I'm a big believer in aging as gracefully as one can and not holding onto your 21 year old self as the pinnacle of your life. So I truly expected that 30 would come and go as just another birthday and I wouldn't blink an eyelash. But, alas, I did blink - several eyelashes actually. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that this year not only could I see my 30th birthday looming, but, with my oldest getting ready to head to kindergarten next year, and since Travis and I are 95% sure we're done having kids, I could also just feel myself rotating into a new phase of life. I mean, I am pretty darn certain that I don't want to have another baby (for completely selfish reasons) but still, I suppose I was mourning that a bit. No longer would I be in the young, married and having kids phase, but heading into the more established and sedate, married with school age kids phase. It was a bit strange for me to have gotten to all those major milestones I'd been dreaming about forever. You know, I'd already gone to college, gotten my degree, got married, bought a house, had kids, had pets, bought my first new car and got rid of the jalopy, and I guess I was sort of left looking around and going, now what? Is there anything major left for ME or do I just live the rest of my life vicariously through my children's lives? I guess, yes, you could say I was having somewhat of a life crisis, how cliche of me. Because for most of my life I've done what everyone does: think to myself, "Okay, once you get to THAT point, life will be good." or "Once you own THAT thing, that will make you happy." Then when you get there, and it's NOT better and you're NOT so much happier you feel empty. I've always been rushing to the next big thing, never quite in the moment, always looking ahead to the future, worrying about things not in my control, or reliving past moments I wish I could do differently.
So, this sense of restlessness and being out of sorts has haunted me all year. And it's been a crazy year, crazier than some of you will ever know. A roller coaster of emotion and drama for me and my own internal struggle... and here I sit, having come through all that to the other side, here as the year is starting to wind down and my winter birthday is even closer than before, thinking that maybe it was time to revisit the issue and reexamine my state of being.
And, after all that here's where I'm at: Carpe Gaudium, Seize the Joy. My new mantra and something I have been very bad at over the years. After all, how can one enjoy the moment they're in when they're so consumed with worrying about the future or reliving parts of their past that still haunt them? I guess I've decided that worrying about all that is pretty pointless...can't change the past, can't predict the future, all you have is the current moment. So you do your best and get what you can from it. Try to relax and enjoy it as it comes, remembering not to sweat the small stuff and squeezing the joy out where you can, smelling the figurative roses. Much like the characters in the Matrix slow down time to their advantage, take a minute to recognize the nice moments in your life. Or, to put that in geek speak, make sure you have some bullet times.
For a demonstration on that (and because The Matrix is just a hella cool movie, if you like special effects that is...it was breakthrough at the time) here's your visual on that one... No, you don't have to watch the whole thing, but watch until you get the idea.
You see what I mean. So in that philosophy I now feel more calm and centered and able to enjoy the little moments with my children even more, instead of having that little voice in the back of my head nagging me about what else I should/need to be doing. I'm realizing that having most the "big milestones" of establishing an adult life out of the way isn't so bad. I've put in all this time and effort building this life and now I finally get start to enjoy it, moment by moment.
Thirty? Bring it on! I'm ready! Carpe Gaudium!
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